Saved My Life: The Complete Story

I shared earlier how finding this site literally saved my life,it squashed any contemplation I had of ending it. I hate having to admit to having a "mental illness" but it is relevant to my story and probably to many others. If you are mentally stable now, believe me just dealing with the PDLs can actually cause you to have a "nervous breakdown" and/or push you into the world of homelessness. I've already had the breakdown but it was unrelated to this but homelessness will be a direct result, although I am believing, in spite of overwhelming circumstances that I will avoid that. I am 51 years old and this is not a place to be at any age, but especially not now and not with my disabilities. I really admire the mission statement of this organization. It is solely needed. People are in need of help and comfort in these already financially unstable times. I fear but know that the state of the economy will drive many honest, upstanding citizens to make desperate and destructive decisions in trying to resolve the increasing incidences of financial hardships. As bad as my own situation is, I get no comfort in knowing there are many in worse situations than I. Now, a brief history of how I arrived here. I had a total break-down a little over 12 years ago. Before that time, I was a single, working parent with 3 children and no support. Day to day was hard enough but I did not have credit. I had full time job but never enough to save or buy a home. I was a rare and temporary receipient of welfare. In other words, I was a hard worker in the many jobs I held and being on disability was not in my plans. I never believed in getting something for nothing. Just to get it over with, my oldest child and only son joined the service (I am a Veteran, myself) and I don't know what he experinced to this day but when he got kicked out of the service and returned home, he was a different person. My son had started college and was living in the dormitory. He killed someone during a car-jacking. I had information that did not give me the luxury of denial and I am the one who turned him in. This devastated me and my 2 younger daughters. I made it for 2 years before I suffered the breakdown and after years of fighting I was eventually granted diability from Social Security and also from Veteran's Affairs. My family is to thank for this as I was too ill to apply for anything. Meanwhile, my youngest daughter was attending college and dental school, so I had to get a couple of loans to assist in that effort. I paid on those 2 loans (non PDLs) for years. I could not understand how the debt did not seem to be going down. I have moved alot but have always kept in contact with them. People have become rude and mean-spirited and there is a total lack of professionalism in business anymore. I have been hospitilized many times over the years in search for a way to live with my illness and to be a productive member of society. I try to live independently but I owe telephone companies because they did not give the service they promised or misrepresented the charges. After spending hours and hours in trying to get things resolved, I would end up just giving up. I tried Ameridebt a couple of years ago and once again I just got a lot of money taken with little service given in the year I was with them. I was with AOL internet for years and yet they regulary overcharged me and when I tried to discontinue service with them (over a long period and again many hours on phone with customer service)I was forced to close my accout with another bank. Both banks said they could not stop Ameridebt or AOL, even as I explained what was happening. Although I notified the banks in both instances and after I had cleared all checks, etc. I still ended up with service charges which I can't do anything about. It is the helplessness in dealing with these very unpleasant interactions that take all the hope and faith from a person. When I saw my credit report for the 1st time last year, there were things on it that totally were not true and it even has me working at a place where I was never employed. Anyway, I got that report for the express purpose and determination to clear my credit. I made payment arrangements and have kept them current (until NOW) and am supposed to be getting credit rehabilitation, although they never tell me exactly what I owe because the collection people say it (what I owe) changes from day to day. I have looked far and wide for help in this matter but to no avail, so I just pay and I know I have paid them over and over but I can't prove it and my mental health issue doesn't help my credibilty. I owe people in my own family that I know have taken advantage of me but since that is somewhat in my control, I have learned (too late!) to say no and not allow others to play on what I know now was a sense of guilt on my part. Fast forward to Nov 2005 and the beginning of my membership into the PDL Club. I started it and can't seem to stop. I got one loan and have been taking out other loans to pay the interest and........it won't stop! But as of now, I STOP! There is nothing left to fear. Most things I have feared have already happened. I know how intensely I was feeling. I have not rested my mind or body in months. No therapists or veteran's group have been able to give me answers on smaller things so I know they can't help this situation. As all too often, I have to deal with this alone (much like my illness). As bad as I don't see any light at the end of my tunnel, suicide is not an option for me. All these many years and hardships, I never considered that way out until this. It just makes me wonder how many have or will lose their life because of shady business practices, nasty attitudes and outright lies! But please if you are reading this and feel like that is your only way out - DON'T. No matter how you are treated, know that life is a precious gift and maybe they can get everything ELSE but do not give them your life. I am just going to do my best and take the hits until I find my way out. But I will not give up and neither should you. If the people on this site hang in there together, we can effect positive change for the people in trouble and in need of guidance and for the eventual eradication of the negative business practices that prey on the poor and desperate. I was taught to stay away from loan sharks as a child but I wasn't prepared for this at all. I used to trust people but I have become rather paranoid and that has nothing to do with my illness. So good luck to us all!